Lock Mama Up!

When your daughter starts reworking the words to “London Bridges Falling Down”, to sing repeatedly “take key, lock Mama up; lock Mama up; lock Mama up”, it does something to a person.

As a mom who has been seriously questioning my ability to parent well, I'm starting to wonder if Layna is seeing the crazy I thought I hid so well. Then I looked back at the cup throwing, the grunting, the sighing, etc.and I realized maybe I wasn’t hiding anything at all, and despite my best intentions, she may be picking up on the irritation I let so easily rise to the surface.

How is it that a person roughly 1/15 of my age, with a limited vocabulary and an angelic face, can make me grind my teeth, purse my lips, and point my finger? When did I become the mean mom from the movies that everyone secretly wishes would do something publicly humiliating?

I truly thought being a mom would be easy for me. I thought it would come naturally; I would know what to say and when to say it, and if I didn’t, I would still be able to come up with something meaningful to guide and direct.

The number of times I have looked at my husband and said, “I don’t know what to do. What are we supposed to do?” is growing each week.

When bedtime takes over our entire evening, because our daughter insists (by screaming and crying and pleading) that she has to poop, even though you took her to the bathroom three times before bed, what do you do? Tell her she can’t go? What if she ends up with an incurable stomach disease because I denied her the human right of using the bathroom? Worse yet, what happens if I let her manipulate me into taking her out of bed every night after clearly stating there would be no more potty trips?

When your infant son is in clear distress, uncomforted by all the go-to fixes, what do you do? Give Tylenol for an unseen pain? Gas drops for a hurting belly? Let him cry because whatever it is, you don’t seem to be helping the situation?

The amount of decisions you are required to make on behalf of another person’s best interest is positively exhausting. And while you figure it out, you are still going. Haven’t figured out if red-dye contributes to ADHD yet? Hope not, there goes another dose of Cherry Tylenol. Wish you knew the effects of screen time before age 2? Guess we’ll find out!

In truth, any mother who cares enough to assess how she is doing, is probably doing more than fine. (Right?)  Children have lived through straight-arm car seats, walking to school, and washing dishes by hand. The problems are different, but parenting remains the same – an everyday attempt at what is best for your children, even when it feels like you have no idea what you’re doing.