My Life "Before"

How many times can one open the microwave to retrieve a cup of a coffee that has already turned stagnant once again? My record (today) is three. I find it starts tasting more like burnt coffee grounds after that point... which bears no implication as to whether or not I drink it.

I was a planner in my former life; the life before sippy cups were a daily annoyance – the life before I could change a diaper in the dead of night without a light – the life before the second line appeared.

There is so much about that life that I miss, yet nothing I would trade.

I miss going to the store without unbuckling and re-buckling car seats and broken grocery cart straps.

I miss reading for fun instead of out of necessity for advice. (Search bar: “how to parent”, “how to parent strong willed child”, “how to stop yelling at my children”.)

I miss uninterrupted adult conversation.

I miss running whenever I want, because the only person fending for himself in my absence was my husband (and he usually did just fine.)

I miss going out to dinner without thinking about whether our familial presence would be a disturbance to the atmosphere.

I miss hot coffee.

I miss eating without sharing.

I miss eating without sharing.

I miss eating… You get it.

Yet not one of those things would be worth missing out on the sweet smell of my babies after bath time, or the chance to read Dr. Seuss’s Wacky Wednesday 100 times over, or the joy of being unequivocally loved.

Today, as I closed the microwave for the third time, this time without even remembering to hit “start”, I laughed and thought about how crazy I felt. I thought about the person I used to be, who had every detail worked out in my head (or thought I did.) I thought about the freedom I used have to structure my morning exactly as I pleased instead of around green light wake-up clocks, bottles and cheerios. But instead of feeling resentful or frustrated, today I felt grateful. And I’m going to embrace today.

Today I thought, they’re worth it. Without a doubt, they’re worth it.